WTF IS THE DEAL????

Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself or maybe it is because I haven’t heard from a certain someone, I’m not really sure, but I can’t help but wonder what the fuck is really wrong with me?  It has been well over a week since I had the talk with someone and since then I don’t know. 

I went on a date with an old friend from high school; we went bowling and went a whole lot further than I know we should have.  We had so much fun and text a little bit since then but now of course nothing. 

Last weekend I happened to run into a guy that used to be a chef at the hotel I work at.  He is completely adorable, just a super nice guy.  I used to wonder If he liked me a little but I didn’t ever see him enough to really know well after seeing him and hanging out I realize that he did.  We had a good night just hung out and chatted for the night.  At the end of the night he walked me to my car, we exchanged numbers and he kissed me on the cheek.  Well we text a couple times and then nothing.  Tonight I figured I would stop in where he worked and have a drink well as soon as his shift was done he high tailed it out of there faster than if he was running with the bulls.  I know that he saw me.

Do I really scare men off that bad?  Is there something wrong with me?  It’s like I talk to them and things I think are good and then nothing…..   WTF is the deal? 

I went out tonight of course because I am driving myself nuts and saw some old friends, actually an old friend of my dad’s. We were chatting in the ladies room and she asked how my mom was doing with the cancer and all.  Then she asked about how my mom misses my dad so much and so the conversation turns to my dad.  Of course how everyone misses him and what a great man he was.  She tells me he was one in a million and of course I agree!  He was one in a million.  My ex always told me I would never be happy because I am looking for my dad and I will never find him. 

Is there something wrong with that really?  Or is there just something wrong with me?  Is it really that impossible to find a good man or just for me?  Am I defeating myself here?  WTF is the problem?????  Whatever happened to that saying that you marry your father?     

To Call or Not to Call Again...

OK Ladies I called.  Well I'm chicken shit I text first.  So we text back and forth for a few and then he called me, he asked first.  Well I will call you after I fold me laundry before it wrinkles.  (At first I think what kind of roofer has to fold his laundry, or any man at that fact?) 

He was one of the very cute ones (he sent me a picture) and he was one of the ones that I happened to talk to a little bit.  We get to talking I'm single he's single and then comes the oh by the way, I gotta tell ya something!!!!

The whole well I don't really know how to say this. Ummm well I kinda did some time.  For Assualt.  Well the whole story is some 32 yr old man raped my 12 yr old (cousin or niece, I can't remember which) and I beat him pretty bad.  Then when I saw him a while later I did it again. 

I just got out of prison after 6 years. 

OMG!  What is up with that??  Well I am guessing that this will be the shortest lived anything in the past 2 years. 

TO CALL OR NOT TO CALL

Ok, I need some advice....

My apartment building is being remodeled.  The roofers were here for a few days last week redoing the roof (obviously).  Some of them were pretty HOT!! 

Well today my daughter found a note over by my door when we were picking up:

I don't know if this is inappropriate but I doing the roof.  The guy with the tattoos. Here is my # ##########. 

Troy

I think you are beautiful and I would like to get to know you. 

Ok I am seriously trying to decide it this is a little wierd or if I want to call.  I did talk to a few of them in passing.  I wasn't really around that much while they were here unfortunately I had to work.  But the one with tattoos doesn't really pin it down to much for me.  I'm sure more than one of them had tattoos because yeah I was looking.  There were a couple of them if I knew it was one of the cute ones.    

I will say I am impressed that he spelled everything correctly. 

Things with my friend aren't progressing like I thought they were going to.  I don't want to be pushy with him.  After all he is the one that never calls or anything.  At this point it is pretty much boils down to me going to stay with him on Sunday night and then up and early on Monday for work.  And that is it.  I will text him once in a while and sometimes he texts back and we call sometimes he doesn't.  I hate to back off on him again but he just doesn't seem that into me.

Anyways should I call or shouldn't I??????

I Want A Love Like Johnny and June

I just got done watching the movie Walk The Line.  It is about the life of Johhny Cash.  It covers alot on the love of Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash.  Johnny and June were soul mates.  It took them a long time to become what they were.  Through marriages, children, drugs, and life in general it always lead them back to each other.  Once they both gave into the love it was never ending from there.  They spent the remainder of thier lives together.  Until June Carter Cash died and only 4 months later Johnny Cash followed her.  

Heidi Newfield's song Johnny and June pretty much sums up thier love. 

Is there such a love like this?  Is it for real?  Where through it all you just keep coming back to each other?  Where you physically can't live without one another? 

I truly in my soul believe it is and I truly believe that someday I will have this love. 

Every yesterday lead me to today and every today will lead me to tomorrow.....

Husband Joke

As a woman passes by her daughter's closed bedroom door and she hears a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door she sees her daughter with a vibrator.  Shocked she asked, "what are you doin?"

The daughter replied, "mom, I'm 35 years old and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

Next day, dad hears the same thing.  Upon opening the door he observes his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. 

Shocked she says, "Dad, I'm 35 years old, unmarried and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later mom comes home from shopping and hears the same buzzing coming form the living room.  She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a beer and staring at the tv.  The vibratir on the couch buzzing away like crazy. 

Wife asked, "What the fuck are you doin?"

Husband replies, "I'm watching football with my son in law!"

Sperm Donor

It was a gorgeous fall day, great day for a soccer game. Destiny and I wouldn’t make the bus from BOCES (where we took Cosmetology class) to our school to catch the bus to the neighboring and rival school for our soccer game. So we caught their bus back to their school. Once we got there we had about a half an hour or so to burn before the rest of our team got there.

"Hey LeaAnn, that guy keeps looking at you." Destiny informed me as we were debating walking to the store in town.

Glancing at him quick through the corner of my eye, "I think I know him from somewhere."

I couldn’t help but do a double take. There he stood just at the edge of the school premises at what was known as Cancer Corner. He portrayed the confidence of a lion in the jungle. He just stood there with his bad boy image that he obviously had to uphold smoking his cigarette.

He stood there as if he was 10’ tall with his wide shoulders straight back. I could see he was big because even through his long sleeved jean shirt you could see the tone in his arms. Underneath his unbuttoned jean shirt was a white T-shirt that was snug enough to show off the rest of his built body. Not to mention his snug Levi’s that very nicely clutched his butt.

He had this dark complexion of an Indian, which is why he was always mistaken for being part Indian. There was a glare off his sunglasses that were resting in his dark brown hair that was gelled and combed to the side. He had a perfectly trimmed goatee, which even to this day I am a total a sucker for. With his head tilted slightly to the side, he looked in my direction with his deep and mysterious brown eyes with this come-hither look to them.

It only took me a couple of minutes to remember where I recognized him from. A couple of years or so earlier I had a brief thing with his best friend. But he had changed quite a bit from them. I didn’t remember him being so cute; maybe it was because I was so caught up in his to die for, blonde hair blue eyed friend.

"Hey, you’re Adam’s friend aren’t you?" I finally blurted out after a while of exchanging enticing looks at each other.

"Yeah, I remember you," he replied. "From the corn field." (Long story, it’s a country girl thing.)

"Well, yeah I guess that was me." Followed by some small talk until he had to catch his bus home.

"Maybe I will see you around." I informed him as he was getting on the bus.

"Maybe I can call you?" He asked without getting my phone number.

I replied with a simple, "MAYBE."

This is how it all started with my sperm donor of my 3 beautiful children because that is about all he was and still is… If I had only know then what I know now?

10 Things You Must Do While Single

I have recently read an article, which I have done a lot of lately, on the things you must do while single.  I thought that this article was very appropriate right now as I am getting a little antsy about being single and wanting to meet someone.   Anyways it has made me look at all of the things that I have done in the past year and a half since I've been single.

1.     Travel alone

I guess the top of this list would be hopping onto a bus, for the very first time in my life, alone from a strange city at a very questionable bus stop in the slums of a city in North Carolina to visit one of my very best friends in South Carolina.  The bus stop was a nearly broken down, boarded up building with junk TVs, tables, and 70's looking furniture piled up outside.   The only people around there were a couple of black people, the one was sitting in what I could only imagine was his frequently occupied schoolhouse steel chair.  Then you had what I had assumed was a young couple, him with dreadlocks and silver teeth and she being the least hoodlum looking of the bunch.  It was one of the scariest things I think I have ever done in my life and also one of the most invigorating things.

2.     Wallow in the ache of a broken heart

If I said that this has not been in my cards I would definitely be a complete liar.  I guess the biggest of heartaches I have had other than my Ex would be the one that I lost a long time ago.  I spent way too much time in the past year and a half thinking that it was more than what it was.  I still can't help but think it was his way of getting back at me for the way things always worked out or I guess you can say didn't work out in the past. 

Other than that I have been pretty good at pushing guys away after a couple of months and then over analyzing why things turned out the way they did like it was some big surprise. 

3.     Spend a weekend with a married couple your age

I do definitely have this one covered.  I do spend enough time with my sister in law and brother who I love both dearly. Not to mention the weekend that we spent together in North Carolina.  They have a great marriage but I have seen enough of the behind the scenes to know that it's not all about the roses and sweet talk and why they need their space.  I must say that they have about as close of a marriage that I've seen that I would want with a few changes of course.  

Then of course I have my friends to have gotten hooked up with some worthless a*holes that control their every move. They can't call or hang out or even go to certain stores because they might run into someone.  It is these relationships that make me glad that I am still single and a little more overly cautious about who I do decide to spend time with.

4.     Don't come home all night

I don't think I have done this in quite some time, at least ever since I made a vow to myself I was going to lay low for a while.  I guess one of the advantages of being single is you do not need permission to crash at a friend's house or wherever suits you for the night, with no one to report to and no one to complain.  We will leave it at that. 

.    

5.     Stand up for a cause you care about

As many of you that know me are aware of my mom having Stage 4 Colon Cancer on her Lung.  Ever since she was diagnosed my sisters and I had talked about doing the Relay For Life.  This past year in February on my way to the New York Farm Show for work I heard a commercial promoting the Relay for Life.  So I called them and requested they send me some information and I called my sister in law to tell her we were doing the Relay For Life Team this year and we signed up and were co-captains of our team. 

In the process of getting ready for the Relay for Life we were up to walking at least 2-3 miles a day and on some days we walked 6 miles and we walked up to 8 miles at one time.  For our first year we had the maximum number of team members being 15 and we had enough people that we could have had another team.  I believe without looking that we probably rose between $2500 and $3000.  At the actual Relay my goal was to walk all night and I walked from the time I got there and got settled which was around 5 pm and I walked until sun up at about 6am.  Throughout all of the walking and getting ready for the Relay I managed to lose thirty pounds. 

6.     Have a real adventure

I guess I cannot say that I have had a lack of adventures in the past two years.  In fact I think I have taken every opportunity for an adventure that has come my way. 

I guess the biggest adventure has been the trip to North Carolina to the races with JJ, Rose, Wendy, and Bob.  Me of course being the only single, which of course I've learned isn't always so bad.  But from North Carolina I hopped on the bus by myself to see Amber and Lenny in South Carolina.  We visited for the day and then Amber and I had a night on the town which was a blast.  Then Amber drove up and we went to the 3 Doors Down Concert and the All Star race in Charlotte.  We had so much fun. 

Nicole and I went to Canandaigua to see the Gary Allan Concert one night.  Then there was the trip to Saratoga with her boyfriend's friends for the Crue Fest.  That was quite a night.  It was like we were teenagers again taking a trip down memory lane.  I can't forget the nights with Lisa in Herkimer and in Clinton. 

There also was my work trip to Pennsylvania with my mom and Rose after mom just got out of the hospital the first time last October.  That was an adventure all on its own that I am sure that none of us will EVER forget.  My mom went down completely dependent on a wheel chair but by the time we came home she was walking around the hotel room. Maybe it was being thrown around in the car.  Like I said it was a trip that none of us will forget, it makes me laugh just thinking about.  You would have had to be there to understand.    

I do hope that the trip to Vegas for Monica's birthday may be coming next year and I would love to go to New York City for a weekend sometime too.  At this point I'm about up for anything.

7.     Learn how to take care of yourself

You learn a lot in this department when you are by yourself.  It's amazing what you learn to do on your own.  I have learned to do a lot of the common car things that before I had never really done, like checking the oil and transmission fluid, which I have become very good at adding myself a lot lately, and all of the everyday mechanical things that you take for granted when you have a mechanic for a boyfriend.

I have also become completely financially independent.  I must admit that it completely sucks but it can be very gratifying at the same time.   I have to work 3 jobs most of the time but I make my own money and I pay my own bills.  If I need more money I work more.  Like I said that is the part that sucks.

8.     Buy something hugely impractical just because you love it

I guess my completely expanded wardrobe is probably the most impractical thing that I have wasted money on just because.  But I guess the trip to North Carolina and the awesome Gary Allan tickets could also qualify. 

LOST OR NOT PART 7--LOST CAUSE

It has been a long time since I have blogged, since my computer has been down and so much has happened. I don’t know where to start. Moving, Outings with Friends, Men, My new Mary Kay Venture, My girls, My growth as an individual, My never ending adventure of finding my TRUE SELF!!!! I guess I will start with the LOST ONE!!! As in LOST CAUSE…..

I have had some lapses since I was last on but I think all in all I have given up. We have had more of those long chats but I have finally decided that it is going no where.

A while ago after trying to text him and no response, I finally texted him back (yes I know what a horrible way to communicate anything with any meaning but under the circumstances that’s what I did). "I finally give up on whatever the deal is with us and I am officially done with the whole thing. I will not bother you anymore." Thinking back maybe it was somewhat silly but I was just in one of those "I don’t give a shit" moods. Of course, NO RESPONSE! I can only imagine what he was thinking. He probably got a good chuckle out of it and what a stupid girl I am! (Last time I was there he read me a text that I sent him months before that he saved that was actually a joke but he didn’t know how to take it.)

I don’t hold this against him and I have no hard feelings towards him because it was my own stupidity or whatever that has kept me hanging onto some notion of hope that he was the one. Even though maybe what I need to do is get angry with him because then it would be easy. Anyway, I have moved past this and have been free of him for over 3 weeks now I think! Of course I wonder and think about him. It’s hard not to when I see him a lot considering the fact he is next door to my mom and seems to be a permanent fixture in both of my nephew’s lives. Being the closest thing to a father they have…. What can I say it will be hard? But with everything else going on in my life I find it much easier to just let it go and get back to me.…

FYI: My computer is still down but I hope to find ways to be on more and post some blogs. I am in such a good place in my life right now and just happy about things in general and I just can’t wait to share more….

Lost or Not Part 6 --Letter to him

My letter to him. Now to decide if I should give it to him or just consider it my closure......

I guess I want to apologize for the other day and asking you for something that you have always been clear to me that you didn’t want.  I just can’t help how I feel.  I guess I always thought that if I didn’t push you for more it might just happen on its own.  Every time I thought that we were getting closer you were pretty quick to correct me by not responding to my texts or anything.   

I always thought that as long as I was having fun when we are together that it would be enough.  I think that I have realized that it isn’t enough for me anymore.  I don’t really need more but I just want more. 

I want something I can depend on.  I want someone to ask me how my day was.  To just hug me and hold me when I’ve had a bad day or celebrate with me when we have a reason.  Someone I know I can spend time with when my girls are gone.  I just want to know that someone is there for me no matter what and someone that will want me to do the same. 

I’m not looking to get married right now or maybe even ever.  I don’t know as though as I could put my girls through another split up if it wasn’t for the long haul.

I have a full life.  I have my girls, my family and friends, and a whole lot of work but I just want that one person that is going to add to my life, that one person that will make me happy. 

I guess I have just thought for these pasts few years it might maybe be you.  You pointed out all the reasons you think you are not.  You didn’t tell me anything that I don’t already know.  Those are some of the things that I think are great. 

If it isn’t, I guess I am ok with that.  I haven’t been able to get past this thing with us and not knowing but if I know you don’t want more then I can and I will move on and get past it. 

I guess if I don’t hear from you in the near future I will know where we stand.

Lost or Not Part 5

Hello my ladies!!! It's been a long time.  Things have been crazy and I have had alot happening.  I wanted to update all of my supporters on this front.....

I thought things were going well and I thougth we were making progress.  We have been getting together pretty much once a week and it just seemed like every time we got together we just seemed to get closer.  (well atleast on my part!!)  The past two weekends things just haven't worked out and yet again I'm getting restless!

As I have mentioned his little brother is getting married in two weeks and I thought that if I hung in there and didn't say much he would invite me to go with him.  Well here it is less than two weeks away and still his invitation plus guest is still sitting on his washer.  He is in the wedding so they know he is going to be there. And of course I have not been invited. 

I told myself a couple of months ago that I would know how he felt about things when I see if he invites me to the wedding or not.  Well of course no invitation so it isn't really looking too good for me.  So here I am frustrated and on the verge of just taking off again.  

Well today after it driving me nuts all day I text him to see if he was going to be home at 4.  I was half expecting to not get a response because that is not uncommon for him to not reply to my texts (which absolutely drives me nuts, might I add).  But he replied and said he was and then sent me another message asking if I was stopping up.  So I did.

When I get there the toolman was there so he was talking to him so I had to wait a bit.  But when he was done we started out with the same old What's new and so on....  He was pretty wound up about a bunch of stuff bothering him so he started to vent as he always does when I am around. 

After about half an hour of venting he says something about listen to me (meaning him) blabbing away!  So I finally throw it our there. "Why don't you blab a little bit about what the deal is with us!"

"Well, well, ummm, ummm........"  Finally ending up with an. "I don't know, what do you think.  Probably if you were around me every day you would think I was a dick."

I respond with, "I would think that after two years we would know where we stand with each other." 

With this I got an awful lot about why he hasn't wanted anything, how he's content and likes things the way he likes them.  He's so used to doing everything on his own and so on.....

Finally after I don't say much and I am just listening he says that "I guess it is safe to say that you want more?"

"Yes, I WANT MORE!!"

He finally says, "Well I thought I was happy with the ways things are but now I don't know? I think I am confused!"

After him hemming and hawwing I decided that I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the conversation and it was time to go.  As I was walking away he stopped me and asked me if i needed to know right away, and if I was leaving town on him? 

As he walked over to me and gave me a big hug and kissed my neck.  He asked me if I ever knew anyone that was confused?  My answer was yeah and I look at her everyday in the mirror.

I told him to think about and to let me know what he wants and I left.

So now I guess the ball is in his court.  I have let him know that I want more than what it has been the past two years.  All I can do now is hope for the best!  I'm figuring that hopefully after the wedding and everthing he might decide one way or the other.

Atleast now I will know if it will ever be or it I should move on and I won't hold onto it anymore.........

Lost or Not Part 4

Well ladies don't buy those plane tickets yet.  After a royal kiss off or should I say blow off (I certainly didn't get a kiss) this weekend I am really not sure what the deal is.  With a "I'll have to pass I have things going on." 

Yeah well so do I but I still want to make time to spend with your dumb ass!! 

I am really fighting the urge too just say screw it all over again and for good.  He has to pass??  WTF is that???    

It is hard to believe that after the past two weekends he is still sending such horrible mixed signals.  I really thought maybe but nope maybe not.  How the hell do you decipher all of these mixed signals? 

I am really struggling.  Am I getting too uptight over nothing?  I don't want to pressure him or anything but OMG it has been two years already now we have been going off and on and off and on.   

Lost or NOT Part 3 Best Night Yet!

I think we made a lot of progress Saturday night when I went over to hang out with Sam.  It was Sam, my nephews and one of the kids that he is helping on a project.  Sam and I had a few drinks, me mostly because he had to give the one kid a ride home.  The one good thing about hanging out on a Saturday night is everyone goes home fairly early because he goes back to work early on Sunday.  Also the bad part of hanging out on Saturday night, we both work on Sunday, so we don’t get to sleep in or hang out in the morning.  

We were hanging out playing pitch and having a couple of drinks in the basement.  We sat next to each other, our legs gradually inched closer little by little until eventually they were pretty much resting on each other.  Sad to say but this was a leap with my nephews around (even thought it was kind of below the table).  We exchanged gradual looks that often turned into gazes when no one was paying attention.  The playful touches of the arm or hand on my back while we were joking around.  Without saying a word we both knew half way through the night that I wasn’t going home.

Ten o clock rolls around and it was time for him to run his friend home.  He hops up and tells the rest of us that he will be right back and looks at me and nods his head yes as if he was just making sure that I was going to wait.

“Ok, see you in a minute,” I responded.

Shortly after he returned my older nephew decides to head out and I ask my younger nephew if he was catching a ride home?  HINT HINT!  He decided he wasn’t ready to go yet; he wouldn’t want to miss anything.  We must have bored him being more engrossed with each other and not in any bad perverted way, (not YET anyways) he apparently decided to walk home a few minutes later. 

After everyone was gone it was just the two of us in the basement just hanging out talking.  YES talking! Just like we used to long before we ever had sex almost two years ago and barely hadn’t since.  We talked about everything, him, me, my girls, life, just everything. 

We talked about why he gets a lot of crap from friends and family for being a single guy 34 years old and living alone.  How on occasion they will harass him jokingly about his “boyfriends” and so on.  We talked about the fact that he refused to sleep around with whoever just because if he didn’t “he was gay.”  How he just never found that person that he wanted to be there with him.   

Eventually we slowly got closer and closer, holding hands progressing to rubbing my leg and leading to more and eventually leading to the best night that we have had yet.   

Lost Or Not?? PART 2

After a couple of interactions with Sam things were pretty uneventful for a couple of weeks.  I invited him to hang out a few times but it never worked out.

Yesterday, Sam was mowing his lawn and when he was done with his he came over to mow my mom’s lawn because my nephews were not home to do it.  When he was almost done it started down pouring rain.  Instead of stopping he kept mowing what he had left.  My mom told me to go down and buy him a six pack and so I did.  (After all, who am I to argue?)

When I got back, he was done and at his house so I delivered it personally, lol.  We sat there for a bit chit chatting and he mentioned he was hungry and was just heading out to get a sandwich.

I told him, “Well I will get going so you can go and get a sandwich.” 

“No big rush, I won’t starve to death. “ So I didn’t leave.

Shortly my nephew showed up and we hung out for a while and then road around with him for a bit.  We ended up at his brother’s house because they were cooking out.  We had a few drinks and had a good time and then we headed back to his house with my nephew. 

Before we got out of the truck he asked my nephew if he was spending the night to go hunting in the morning.  My nephew looks at me as if he was looking for my permission.  I just shrugged my shoulders because I had no clue what the deal was.  I assumed that that just meant he apparently didn’t want me to stay.  So my nephew decided to stay and go hunting in the morning. 

Anyways we all went in and hung out in the basement for a few minutes and my nephew said he was going up to bed.  We said good night and he headed up. 

After a brief silence he asks me, “So, what do you think?”

“What do I think about what?” I asked him back.  Oh my god the frustration.

“I don’t know,” he said.

“Well I guess I’m going head home and I started heading for the door.

So he asks me, “Are you sure you are ok to get home?” (Which I was because I only had a few drinks quite a bit earlier.) 

“Yeah, I’m sure I’ll be fine,” as I walk back towards where he was sitting.

After an awkward silence I just said, “I’m going home, you have a good night.”  I turned around and left.  I decided I wasn’t going to make it easy on him.  If he wanted me to stay he was going to have to come out and ask or show some sort of interest.  Then I would have had a chance to ask him why he really wanted me to.  Maybe then I would have gotten something out of him. 

Even though I was extremely frustrated and aggravated about the whole situation I was proud of myself but I think I gave him something to think about.  I guess we will see…..

Enter Text Here

Lost or MAYBE NOT??

As many of you may have read about The One That I Lost Long Ago, until one Thursday night around 10 at night I get a phone call and look to see it is him, we will call him “Sam”.  I hadn’t talked to him for nearly 8 months or so when he called to invite me over for a game of cards with the guys.  They were playing teams and they were short one person.  REALLY, CARDS??  I still do not know exactly what that was about because I couldn’t go; I was home with my girls in bed.  I’m guessing maybe a booty call.  I was very surprised to ever hear from him though.  I pretty much just quit talking to him because I didn’t hear what I wanted.  

Well I was texting one of my nephews that happened to be at Sam’s house hanging out and he invited me over to Sam’s house.  He has kind of taken them under his wing as a sort of father figure so they hang out at his house.  “You should stop over.”

So I text back, “Maybe, when I’m done here.”

“No really, you need to stop by here, really!” my nephew texts back.

So I stop over there and it is Sam and my nephew are just hanging out.  Sam offers me a beer.  I don’t have my kids and I don’t have to work so what the hell and so I have a drink and another and of course another.  My older nephew stops by and a bunch of his other friends and we all just hang out, drinking and laughing.  At one point when we ended up alone while everyone went outside for a minute and Sam comes up and rubs against me a little and whispers in my ear asking me if I want to stay. 

I of course said I didn’t know.  I don’t want to seem eager, besides all I could think of is “Shit, I didn’t shave my legs this morning,” lol.  After all it’s not like I’m really ever having sex anymore. 

Anyways after my nephews are both gone it was just Sam, myself and one of his friends that were going to crash there because he had drank too much to drive home.  Sam came up behind me and started kissing my neck and so on from behind and asks me again if I was going to stay.  Well how the hell can I refuse that? 

Hmmm?  Stay and get some (need I say it’s long overdue) or stumble across the huge lawn to my mom’s couch??  Not much of a decision.   

Now what?  I guess we will see….

The One I Lost Long Ago

This is probably one of the most aggravating things in my life.

A little history on the matter, I was dating a great guy, oh only 15 years ago, when my dad died. My dad had a heart attack in the bleachers of the first home basketball game of the year that I was cheering at on Dec 1st. He spent 6 days in a coma in the ICU until we decided that he wasn't coming back and took him off life support on Dec 6^th and buried him Dec 9^th, the day before my 15^th birthday. This guy really tried hard to be there for me but I just couldn't deal and I apparently pushed him away.

Well when my dad died I kind of when a little koo koo, to put it lightly. I don't really remember much anything for the next year. Until one day, oooops omg, I'm pregnant at the age of 16 years old. Woo hoo, boy was I thrilled. That sure brought me out of it. There's nothing like getting a wake-up call at about 100 miles an hour as you're headed down the wrong path blind folded and hitting a brick wall.

Anyway at this point in many of my attempts to use my head and get away from my not so great boyfriend, I kept in touch with this great guy for a while and whenever my boyfriend and I were fighting I called him. At one point this guy offered to take care of my daughter and I trying to convince me I didn't need the garbage I was dealing with. But like an idiot I always went back, unfortunately he was the father of my daughter and that was important. Until eventually the whole program got old (that's a whole LONG story we will skip).

Well, about 6 or so years ago, after not talking to him for a lot of years, this great guy buys the house next door to my mom's house. Who does this, COINCIDENCE????? Or not, of course in my twisted mind I so wanted to think it may have something to do with me. In my own demented mind with the glimpse of hope, MAYBE??? Anyway this gave me hope after not seeing him or even really thinking much of him for a long time, I thought maybe it was meant to be after all these years.

After, I finally left the Ex for good, I moved in with my mom of course temporarily (if you can picture 4 women and 10 kids in one house, so not good). And of course there was the neighbor. I tell you, for almost 8-9 months we hung out, drank, and talked all the time and constantly beat around the bush. Finally one night after a few drinks he asked if I wanted to stay. REALLY, I couldn't believe it. I thought I was going to die. I almost couldn't answer him, lol. It was ok, def not the earth moving or anything but ok. But with him it wasn't about the sex. It was sooooo much more than that for me.

I think we may have gotten together a couple of times right along. BUT, it went down hill from there. The more I got attached the more he seemed to withdraw. I would stop over to his house, I would stay over, go home early in the morning, and not hear from him. Then I would get pissed off and stay away for a couple of weeks (you know, to see if he would actually call.) I guess it's safe to say the whole absence makes you fonder did not apply here. Well after a couple to 3 weeks of nothing, AGAIN I would really want to see him, and of course go see him and do it all over again.

After about 4 or 5 months of this I started going out again, I even tried seeing another guy for a few months to get over him (whole new story there for another time.) Well it didn't work. Of course I would hear from everyone I talk to that I should tell him how I feel and so on and so on. So I did, boy was that a joke. I got a whole lot of nothing back. He's happy with his life and he decided he didn't want to get married and have kids, etc.......

Well after dwelling on this for a while and deciding that it didn't matter I STILL tried (like an idiot). I called to see what he was up to one weekend and had him inform me he was going to have drinks with another chick..... May I add that I have been trying to get him to meet me out for a drink for a year and a half and stood up numerous times. Well holy slap in the face, I guess it was with this revelation that I decided that it obviously was going nowhere and he really is content with his life.

I guess I can't blame him. I probably deserved it from when we were young, he did try and try again. But I think this hit me harder than leaving my ex of 12 years. Maybe it was just that I finally saw that my fantasy was just that. I don't hold any of this against him it's my fault. Like my brother said I blew it with him 12 years ago. But I did give it my best go at it and he knows how I feel. I think that I will always love him though but I can move on from here.

So this leaves me where I am now, actually living my single life, now that I have let go of that fantasy I always hoped for and realized that's all it was. But I'm ok with that. I was stupid for thinking that I could change things.

But I learned a lot. When a man tells you he's not interested, believe it because they don't lie about it. And if they are truly interested no matter what their life situation they will let you know and they will make it happen to see you. It's not all that complicated. It just takes ME a long time to sink in, lol. But it did make me realize that I do want more than that and I deserve whatever I want

Nora Robert's Novel

Have you ever just wondered what it would be like to be the object of a Nora Roberts novel?  To be the damsel in distress, to have the tall, strong, drop dead gorgeous, successful, level headed man just come along and sweep you off of your feet.  I guess I never imagined myself being the damsel in distress, it’s just so not me but man I could sure go for being swept off of my feet.  One of those once in a lifetime loves that just make your heart melt.  Knees week, light headed, tingling spine and all.  That love of a lifetime.   

One Sensual Moment

As I stood there and took one look into those deep blue eyes my heart was pulsating.  I couldn't believe I was there.  "What the hell am I doing," just kept racing through my mind.

Then you reassured me with the soft touch of your hand to my cheek.  When you tucked my hair behind my ear and slid your other hand gently down my neck and then my arm to settle it on the small of my back made me shiver inside. 

When you drew me so firmly to you, I could feel your heart beat against my chest.  I can still smell the slightly sweet scent of your skin.  You touched your soft lips to mine for that very brief yet exotic kiss.

 Now I could hear my heart beating like a drum in my head.  As you kissed me again my knees were weak and I became light headed.  If you didn't have a snug hold of me I may have fallen to the floor. 

Looking into your eyes between kisses was like gazing into the depths of ocean.  Your strong embrace was filled with comfort and ease as you held me near.  The sweet caress of your hands through my hair made me quiver even more. 

I wished those last captivating kisses would never end.  Your final yet enduring, tender kiss on my forehead just took my breath away.           

The moment that I had fought off for nearly fifteen years had become one of the most altering and pleasurable of my life.  Although it may have been brief, I knew that I was yearning for more.

Singlehood...

Reasons I’m Glad I’m Single…..

• I get to be me ALL THE TIME…
• Which is normally laughing or carrying on about something hilarious that most don’t get…
• I do what I want and when I want with no permission. (Well except my 13 year old, MS MOM)
• Whenever someone has something going on they call me because they know I can do it without all the DRAMA…
• I get Multiple Invitations from the girls and have to make the decision, "Who do I go hang out with tonight?"
• Staying up all night writing because I had that one thought and couldn’t sleep until I wrote it down.
• Hanging out playing pitch, with nudey cards, and drinking beer with my GUY friends…
• Not cleaning the house because I would rather vedge on the couch and watch LMN all day.
• Buying that way too expensive outfit that looks HOT on me for girl’s night out…
• Getting drunk and worrying about my ride home later…
• Dressing up trashy and HOT to go dancing because I CAN…
• Dancing with whomever I want on the dance floor because "I am the fun one," lol…
• Chatting with that dreamy guy at the bar for hours…
• Taking off three hours away with a friend and two guys I have never met in my life to see a Motley Crue Concert…
• Spending WAY too much money to be about 10 feet from GARY ALLAN in concert (My roughneck DREAM Man)… Damn I would so be a groupie if it wasn’t for my kids, lol…
• Going to my little sister’s wedding solo and picking up a (very non-related) guy at the wedding (no I don’t go to family reunions to pick up men, lol)…
• Renting a limousine with my closest friends to celebrate my big birthday and watching some VERY HOT men take their clothes off… (not normally my kinda thing but soooo much fun)
• Not to mention the Birthday Kiss, lol!!! (I know, I know BEWARE!!! but OMG I had to, lol!)
• Going out with a friend at a bar 1000 miles away and getting an adorable guy’s phone number…
• We talked for quite a while, oh that southern accent is to die for…
• That WTF New Years Eve kiss you have just been dying for all night…
• Rocking the Rent a car out in a field having no-strings sex with no guilt and its not my seats getting stained, lmao! (Oh I know, such a SLUT!!!)

October 2008

I have to say last night I had a revelation.  I had a pretty rough night as those of you who were there are well aware of.  Not to mention those of you that were picking me up off the floor after the bar stool jumped out in front of me, lol.  I guess it is safe to say now that I know why I don’t normally drink that much. 

Apparently there were some pretty disappointed people when I left with my friend Holly last night.  One, I found out this morning from my sis in law that some fairly cute 21 year old told her he was taking me home.  Obviously that didn’t happen and wasn’t going to.  I’m still not sure if I should be flattered or f’in irritated that just from talking to the guy he was assuming that I would. 

It’s pretty funny I guess that I go out all of the time and there are always people willing to take you home but it’s only for one thing and if you think otherwise, you are only kidding yourself.  Well I know this and that is why I made my rule quite a while ago to never go home with someone unless it was planned before the evening and I have been VERY GOOD at keeping this rule.   

So there are two approaches to handling this whole OUT scene.  Number one being that you go out with the girls, have a BLAST, and you don’t even bother with the men, if you want to call them that, or any of the bullshit, which is what I TRY to do in most cases.  And if you get the line “OH the GOOD GUYS always finish last,” I’d ask them to show you the good guy.  Chances are it isn’t them because the good guys we all know are not hanging out drinking at the bars, lol.  Number two being that you go out and pick up the guys, take them home and have “hopefully” wild, crazy, no strings attached sex with no expectations.  Which I can’t say that I haven’t done, lol.  The problem here is reminding yourself of the no strings attached clause.  

Anyways, I do know that in the past year and half I haven’t had a whole lot of luck.  I had a really close friend with benefits for almost a year that never should have become that.  Now I avoid him like the plague because it is clear that I want much more than him.  I have had maybe one half ass relationship sort off for a couple of months, I think mainly to get my mind off of my friend.  I think I’ve probably been on a total of what one date, really good guy, I think, but it’s a story of its own.  I’ve had plenty of half ass invitations but only one classified date, dinner and such.  Maybe a few more if you count the half ass relationship or the family dinner that MY FRIEND went to with me.  The few other guys I’ve been with have been very casual I guess you can say, in other words good for one thing, if that.  As long as it lasts until someone gets bored.  With each one of them having the main purpose to take my mind off of another one, lol.  To top it all off with the MANY, MANY hookup attempts.

Well, I guess with all of this being said, I think that I’ve come to the revelation that I really need a break from men.  I guess it’s hard to get what you want when you don’t really know what you want.  So I have decided that I am officially done with guys until my birthday.  Now I’m not sure if I’m giving up on guys completely or if I’m just going to hold back on the whole sex thing until then.  That does seem to be where things get complicated, without that you really can see if they are interested.  If nothing else this gives me three months to maybe figure out what I really do want.  Maybe from there I can find the guy that I’m looking for when I know what it is. 

 I have tried the approach of kind of seeing and talking to more people, because after all they say it’s all about the numbers, but that isn’t quite working out for me.  I was even seriously contemplating putting a profile on Match.com.  But I just don’t know. 

I will keep you guys posted on how this is working out or not for me, lol…..

TODAY – 6 months later I will let you know that I am still working on trying to figure out what I want for sure in a man.  I have found that I am happy without a man and I don’t really need one.  But I haven’t given up the hope that someday I will find someone.  I know I will when my time is right.  I even set up a match.com profile which has gotten me a total of nowhere.  But I won’t give up and I will figure it out eventually.  I do now know that I don’t need a man.  Like they say don’t you find someone when you least expect it. 

XOXOXOXOXO